Middle Life

Slowly but surely, it has been happening. I have begun to feel that the world is racing ahead of me in a way I can't and don't want to keep up with. I wondered when it would happen. I watched it happen to my parents.

It's much the same feeling as: Watching the Olympics as a kid and wanting to be a world-class ice skater or watching the Miss America pageant and wishing I was the winner. I wondered . . . could that be me? Maybe when I'm 15, I'll start working toward that. But, 15 came and went, and at some point, I realized those dreams would never come true. Mind you, those two dreams were NEVER within my reach, but there was a moment of clarity that I was too old to even begin THINKING about working toward them.

I'm almost 59 years old, and when I contemplate the possibility of a career move (say, opening a MS, something I've always dreamed about), I realize that I don't really WANT to do all of the studying and preparation that would be involved.

My daughter and daughters-in-law and several other young women I know all have blogs. And, in their blogs they share serious thoughts about their insecurities, the triumphs, the joys, the disasters, and struggles, the millions of photos of everyday moments. I treasure the insights I have into their lives through the blogs. They make me smile, laugh, and sometimes cry. But, the idea of sharing all of that with the world is foreign to me.

I was raised with parents who believed that innermost thoughts and feelings should be kept to oneself. We were not included in difficult discussions or losses, for that matter. They, too, were raised this way. And, when for the past 6 months I have been struggling with a serious flare of colitis, I realized I, too, don't want to trouble my own children with my health or emotional concerns. The boys don't know, and I just told Meredith the other day. Even when I told Meredith, I downplayed its significance and how poorly I have felt.

I love my life and I still enjoy growing as a person and as a professional. I am not resisting the significance of technology.

But, there have been some moments where I realize a switch has been flicked. One of them was this winter when I made a clear decision that Steve and I needed to go to Hawaii this summer and not wait any longer! Why? It's the switch.

It is time for new dreams. I wonder what they will be?